Tuesday, June 20, 2017

5 Love Languages - Not a Surprise

When I was married and going through marriage counciling (trying to save the sinking ship), we read this book called The 5 Love Languages and took the quiz at the back to see if we were loving each other the way the other person needed to be loved.  Out of curiosity, I wanted to see if after nearly a decade if my love language had changed (it hasn't).  Since the quiz is offered online now, I couldn't resist.  

Take The Quiz

Your Love Language Personal Profile
Tina, thank you for filling out the Love Language Profile for Couples to discover your love language. You’ve taken an important first step . . . understanding your love language. With the information below you’ll be able to share more with your partner, and love him or her in ways that they’ll will appreciate more. Don’t forget - what follows is just the tip of the iceberg. To really understand your love language, we recommend Dr. Chapman’s book. It will help you unpack all the concepts we touch on here.

Interpreting and Using Your Profile Score:

The highest score indicates your primary love language - how you really understand your partner’s expressions of love. It’s common to have two high scores (the highest score being 12), although one language tends to have a slight edge for most people. The lower scores in your profile indicate those languages you seldom use to communicate love and which probably don’t affect you on an emotional level in your relationship.

10Physical Touch
10Quality Time
6Words of Affirmation
3Acts of Service
1Receiving Gifts
Physical TouchPhysical Touch
This language isn't all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face – they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Physical touch fosters a sense of security and belonging in any relationship.
Quality TimeQuality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, "I love you," like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Quality Time also means sharing quality conversation and quality activities.
Words of AffirmationWords of Affirmation
Actions don't always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, "I love you," are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.
Acts of ServiceActs of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an "Acts of Service" person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: "Let me do that for you." Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don't matter. Finding ways to serve speaks volumes to the recipient of these acts.
Receiving GiftsReceiving Gifts
Don't mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous – so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are visual representations of love and are treasured greatly.
Understand your love language

Remember - this description just scratches the surface of one love language. There’s much more to help you really understand the love languages of you and your partner in Dr. Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages.

Knowing how you prefer to be loved is important for your relationship. It’s romantic to think your partner should just know how to love you—but it’s also a bit unrealistic, and can even be unfair to expect something from your partner if you’re not willing to tell him/her how you prefer to be loved and appreciated in your relationship. Keep reading…

Share your love language with your partner

Wouldn’t it be great to know your partner’s love language, too? Do you think he or she would be willing to take the survey soon and share their results with you? If yes - hurray! Go do that soon. If no - that’s not a problem. Your relationship can still benefit if you share your new love language insights with your partner in the right way.

Most of the time our partners want what’s best for you...and for your relationship. It’s important to let your partner know your love language in a way that doesn’t belittle them or make them run for the hills because they’re afraid of another fight. Consider communicating this way:

“Honey, I just learned some really neat things about myself and how I feel loved. I love it so much when you love me by [a specific, real way your partner loves you in your love language]. I’d love to return the favor and love you in a way that you really appreciate. Would you be willing to take the same survey I did? I think we’d both learn something that would benefit our relationship…” And then drop it. Do nothing that he or she would consider forcing their hand or backing them into a corner. You did your part to share; that’s your responsibility. Now, figure out how you can love your partner in a way they understand, whether or not they take the survey. Keep reading…

Love your partner so he/she understands

If your partner took the survey and shared their results with you, this next part is easy. Intentionally find ways to speak this love language consistently for the next five weeks. Your relationship is worth it!

If your partner didn’t take the survey, ask yourself a few questions to get your best guess at what love language he/she speaks best:
  • How does your partner normally try to love you? The love shown you is probably how your partner wants to be loved…
  • What does your partner ask of you most often?  Help around the house?  More physical intimacy? Time together? The love they’re asking for most often is probably how they want to be loved...
  • What aggravates/frustrates/saddens your partner the most in your relationship when it’s missing? The love he or she is missing probably indicates how he or she wants to be loved…
When you think you have a handle on your partner’s love language, start speaking it! And do it whether or not your partner reciprocates love back to you or understands what you’re doing. Change can take time, so give them a chance to get used to the “new” you.

If you would like weekly suggestions for how to practically speak the love languages, sign up for Gary's weekly e-newsletter Practically Speaking.

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