Thursday, January 29, 2015

Always listen to your gut.

Always listen to your gut. If you decide to ignore it, listen to the experienced lifestyle members who care about you with no ulterior motives. They've been there, done it, and seen it. Their judgment is most likely better than your own, especially if you are ignoring your own instincts.

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That was my answer to "What have you learned so far in the lifestyle?"

I'm at a loss right now.  It's been over 24 hours since I said goodbye to James.  I have not shed a single tear.  I vacillate between feeling absolutely nothing over the situation to thinking I feel incredibly lonely right now.  Even as I type that, I'm not sure that's true.  I'm not sure I FEEL lonely.  I feel less entertained.  It was always entertaining to be in contact with each other throughout the day.  We've done that nearly every day for the last 4.5 months.  We also didn't have our nightly phone call.  We've only missed that 3 times since we've been together.  I miss hearing his voice and listening to the sweet things he'd say to me.  I'm going to miss the laughter.  Damn we made each other laugh.  I'm not laughing tonight.  No one is saying sweet things to me.  No one's lying to me either though, so I guess that's a start.  Being alone is so much safer.  Being alone can be a little lonely if I isolate myself from everyone else, but at least no one is actively hurting me.

I haven't told the kids yet.  Ever since I threatened to leave last time, I've downplayed James' involvement in our lives.  I've made a point of not talking about him.  When the girls ask about him or say something about the future, I just say a vague, "Well, you never know what will happen" and leave it at that.

I never used to let myself hope and dream of the future.  Life hurt less then.

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