Friday, May 29, 2015

So you're not hurting anyone, huh?

When I was actively drinking away my youth, I always said I was never hurting anyone but myself. 15 years later (after 6 years of sobriety), another sober person slapped me in the face with the truth. He said, "You never hurt anyone, huh? That's bullshit. Your ABSENCE hurt people. Every time you were busy drinking instead of spending time with friends and family obligations, you were hurting them. Every day you were emotionally distant, you were hurting people. You think they weren't bleeding inside trying to figure out what was going on with you? You're fooling yourself." The truth hurt, but needed to be heard.

How easy it is to believe the lies we tell ourselves. How easy it is to not see the harm we may actually be causing.

May I never go back to hurting people knowingly or unknowingly.

Friday, May 8, 2015

So I guess I'm writing again.


Note | 1 Loves It | 
Tie me up to free me.
Make me scream to quiet me.
Spank me so I might hear you, and
Use your words so I might feel you.
Your warm touch sends shivers down my spine;
Your icy stare lights me on fire.
Overwhelm me until I am numb, and
Soothe me until I explode.
Test my strength until I am weak, then
Hold me close while I escape.

Monday, March 9, 2015

Coming out of the fog...I hope.

I have dealt with depression the majority of my life.  Sometimes medicated for it, sometimes not.  Postpartum depression hit me HARD after I had 12.  Since 10 came along a short 17 months later, I never had a chance to recover.  Two months after 10 was born, I was again trying to figure out how to kill myself without it affecting my children.  Postpartum depression is an insidious bitch.  My doctor and I agreed (although begrudgingly on my behalf) that it was better to wean 10 and go back on my medication than to NOT wean her and play Russian Roulette. And so it began.

Fast forward 9ish years.  Earlier this year, I realized that my short-term memory was getting bad.  I was forgetting simple things. A lot. My memory had always been like a steel trap.  I was a bit like Cliff Claven.  I knew a lot of random stuff because I remembered nearly everything I had ever heard.  My memory has always been very important to me.  VERY important.  To have it start to slip felt like life was giving me a slap in the face.  I mean, even when things were really crappy, at least I could remember it.  But now?  Not only was I having to write everything down, I was forgetting to do a lot of the everyday stuff.  I'm pretty sure I went 3 days without brushing my teeth because I just forgot that was something you were supposed to do.  I would remind my kids to do it every  night before bed, but by the time I went to bed, the thought was no where to be found.

I mentioned to my therapist a few times that my memory was messed up and after ruling out the normal things, we thought it was perhaps because we were dealing with a lot of old stuff and learning new ways to handle it and therefore my brain was just working differently and missing some things that weren't drastically important.  As the weeks went by, it got worse.  If it wasn't written down, there was no way I was remembering it and even then, it was iffy.  You can write things on a calendar until your hand falls off, but if you forget to look at the calendar and the DO WHAT IT SAYS, it won't do you any good.  Again, I talked to my therapist about it and I started to wonder if it could be due to the medication I was on.  It dawned on me that I have been on it for TEN YEARS in varying doses.  I've never gotten off of it fully because the withdrawal effects are so rough on me and because I don't want to be a nutcase.  I told therapist I would mention it to psychiatrist when I saw her in a couple of weeks.

Two weeks ago I realized I was losing words. When you've always relied on words (especially written words) to communicate, losing them is scary shit.  If I was older, I would have assumed I was suffering from dementia.  Losing my memory and losing my words was taking such a toll on me that I didn't know what to do other than wait for the psychiatrist appointment and hope she would have an idea of what to do with me.  I assumed that it would mean weaning me off the Effexor XR and just trying to suck it up and hope the withdrawal didn't drive me to drink.  Turns out, she had another plan.  Instead of pulling me off the drug entirely, she switched me to a different brand in the same class in hopes that there would be little to no withdrawal symptoms.

Operation Medication Switch has been underway for 3 days.  The first day on the new stuff resulted in my being itchy from head to toe and nauseous as hell within an hour of me taking it.  Time to load up on the Benedryl.  Day 2, still itchy as all get out after taking it.  At least loading up on Benedryl helped me sleep through some of it.  Day 3, no need for Benedryl.  The itchies are there, but only slightly irritating.  I'll worry about Day 4 when I get there.

Ideally, this drug will be easier to come off of than the other.  In my research (while waiting for my psychiatric appointment), I found hundreds of thousands of people who had been on the same medication that have had horrible memory issues too.  In reading some of their other symptoms, it seems that I have gotten off easy by only having the memory issue be a problem.  It's too early to tell if this will help.  It will take a minimum of 4 weeks to get my levels stabilized.  In the meantime, I just hope my body can figure out how to let go of the old drug and hang on to the new drug without totally messing me up.  Until then, I will continue to write everything down and make my calendar my home screen.  I'm also leaving my toothbrush out in plain sight.  Just in case.

Friday, January 30, 2015

How do you know HOW you're feeling if you've never learned to NAME the feeling, much less FEEL it?

I'm not normal.  If you've been here awhile, that will come as no shock to you.  For various reasons (some of which I had no control over and some of which are due to my own choices when I was younger), I have spent the majority of my life walking a fine line between not wanting to be numb, but not wanting to feel TOO much.  Feelings hurt.  At least I think they do.  I DO know that I generally don't like them because they feel yucky and sit like a weight on my chest and make my skin feel too tight.  "Bad" feelings make me PHYSICALLY uncomfortable.  My head can't focus and things feel wrong.  My clothes will feel wrong, my hair will hurt, my head starts to hurt, my mind races, and I will do just about whatever I can to make it go away.

Last summer when UW left, I went into a tailspin.  All of those new feelings were too much for me.  Instead of running from them like I always have, I decided to finally address them and try to deal with them with the help of a professional.  Look at me trying to act like a responsible adult.

Working with her has been interesting to say the least.  She has teared up more than I have (my cold dead heart doesn't allow me to cry very often...either that or my pride doesn't), has told me she's never had a patient as blatantly honest as I am (which is one of the miracles of being in recovery), and at one point asked me if I have ever suffered a HEAD INJURY (not really, but that was funny as hell when she asked).

Here are a few things I have learned:

1.  I don't know what to CALL the feelings I'm having.   One day I was crying (let's keep that our little secret) and told her I couldn't figure out why.  Her brilliant revelation was, "Well you were SAD."  What?  Oh yeah, S  A  D. Hmmm...ok, I'll go with that.  Yes, I am THAT bad at feelings.  It took a professional to tell me that crying is a sign of being sad.  Seriously, I'm a 39 year old woman with the emotional skills of a child.  It's a little ridiculous.

2. Trauma victims have faulty "switches" in our brains that cause us to process incoming information incorrectly.  Where many people would rate "love" and "happiness" on the top of their lists for what they want/need, I rate "safety".  Living in survival mode means you're always on the lookout for the next unsafe thing to come your way so you better be armed and ready.  In fact, you probably should spend countless hours of your day trying to anticipate ALL of the possible scenarios you could encounter during the rest of the day/week/month/etc. and then take action to try and prevent all of those things that may or may not (most likely WON'T) happen in order to be feel safe every second of every day.  Yeah...that's a bit exhausting.

3.  My mind and body are rarely in the same place at the same time.  Therefore, my heart and my head rarely agree and are usually at odds with each other.

4.  When you are disconnected from life, it takes something pretty intense to register and etch itself in your memory.  Therefore, every day stuff doesn't get recorded and you become QUITE aware that even though you can remember every disgusting detail of your sordid past, you will now spend your days wondering why you can't remember things.  This will become especially troublesome when you were raised in an "If you don't remember it, you must be lying" or "No one else remembers it like that, you must be lying" environment.

5.  I either feel very little (feels like I'm watching a movie about life, not really experiencing it) or WAY TOO MUCH (flashbacks where I relive the event with all the sounds/smells/sights/touches).

6.  My constant disconnect will hurt people even when I desperately don't want it to.  I will be called a bad friend, a selfish lover, a mean mom, etc.  It will hurt people when I make comments about my lack of feelings or when I question my feelings for them.

7. If I say I love you, I really DO mean it to the best of what my understanding is of that word.  It means I am loyal to you and don't want to see you come to any harm.  It means I will crack jokes to make you smile when you are sad.  If I'm in love with you, I will twist myself into knots trying to be the best partner I can be.  I will forgive just about anything as long as we can communicate honestly about it.  It means that I will make space for you in my life, but will need reminders of your presence so I don't get disconnected and forget to reconnect.   When I get disconnected, it's not that I don't care about you, it's that I'm trying to juggle so many things at once that my focus shifts to deal with whatever is capturing most of my attention at the time.

8.  Adding Borderline Personality Disorder and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder to a trauma victim will exacerbate all of the above issues.

You know what else I've learned?  I've learned that no matter HOW bad things have gotten, my track record for getting through them is 100%.  Yes, I am hurting right now and my life was recently upended again, but I'll put my money on my track record.  This too shall pass and you can bet your ass I'll get through it.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Always listen to your gut.

Always listen to your gut. If you decide to ignore it, listen to the experienced lifestyle members who care about you with no ulterior motives. They've been there, done it, and seen it. Their judgment is most likely better than your own, especially if you are ignoring your own instincts.


That was my answer to "What have you learned so far in the lifestyle?"

I'm at a loss right now.  It's been over 24 hours since I said goodbye to James.  I have not shed a single tear.  I vacillate between feeling absolutely nothing over the situation to thinking I feel incredibly lonely right now.  Even as I type that, I'm not sure that's true.  I'm not sure I FEEL lonely.  I feel less entertained.  It was always entertaining to be in contact with each other throughout the day.  We've done that nearly every day for the last 4.5 months.  We also didn't have our nightly phone call.  We've only missed that 3 times since we've been together.  I miss hearing his voice and listening to the sweet things he'd say to me.  I'm going to miss the laughter.  Damn we made each other laugh.  I'm not laughing tonight.  No one is saying sweet things to me.  No one's lying to me either though, so I guess that's a start.  Being alone is so much safer.  Being alone can be a little lonely if I isolate myself from everyone else, but at least no one is actively hurting me.

I haven't told the kids yet.  Ever since I threatened to leave last time, I've downplayed James' involvement in our lives.  I've made a point of not talking about him.  When the girls ask about him or say something about the future, I just say a vague, "Well, you never know what will happen" and leave it at that.

I never used to let myself hope and dream of the future.  Life hurt less then.