Wednesday, September 3, 2014

What DO I want?

I've gone through 4 men in less than 3 weeks.  I went from a soul-crushing breakup with my boyfriend, to jumping in to bed with a Dom, to jumping on facebook and throwing myself into the BDSM community. It was fun and different and exciting and I met my Sir who took me under his wing so I'd stop trying to fly into the sun.  After the run I've had, my Sir suggested I take a time out and figure out what I want (which I can assure him is NOT the title of "cumslut" [inside joke] ).

So...what DO I want?  Let me see if I can describe the idyllic scenario:

I want a kind, compassion, loving partner who has a wicked sense of humor and knows how to communicate.  In daily life, I want him to be in control, but give me freedom so I don't feel smothered.  I want him to be cool-headed when I'm wound up about something, let me vent, kiss me on the forehead, and let me know that we'll get through it.  I want him to love me and my kids as close to unconditionally as humanly possible and in return I want to make sure I never give him a reason to question his decision to love.  I want someone to nudge me out of my comfort zone and be there for me to lean on while I conquer my fears. I want to know that I don't have to do it all on my own anymore; I don't have to make all of the decisions alone.  I want to feel that I am safe with him no matter what.  I want to trust that he is a man of his word.  I want him to be my rock, while I can be his soft spot when no one's looking.  I want someone who says what he means and means what he says.  I want him to enjoy my playful, feisty side, but be able to give me "the look" when it's time to shut it down before I get myself into trouble.  The yin to my yang.  In the bedroom I want him to have complete control, yet respect that I have fears and help me past those.  I want him to be able to make love to me one night and then spank and fuck the hell out of me the next night.  I want him to be at least a little kinkier than I am so I never have to be embarrassed to try something "different".

I want to do the little things that make him happy, simply because they make him happy.  I want to love him fiercely and be loyal to a fault.  I want him to know I respect him and will try to make his life a little better than it was before he met me.  I want to feel when he walks into the room without even having to look because I can sense his confidence.  I want to make him laugh every day and smile when he thinks of me.

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