Monday, September 15, 2014

"Maybe I'll Just Go Stick My Head In The Oven."

I've recently entered into a relationship of sorts with a gentleman.  It's a bit of a different arrangement than I'm used to, but I won't be going into the specific details just yet.  Besides, that's not the point of this blog post.

"I'd like you to stand naked in front of the full-length mirror and look at yourself.  REALLY look at yourself.  Then I want you to write down 10 things you like about your body and let me know what you've come up with," He said.  WHAT?  Are you kidding me?  That's when I came up with the oven idea.  Surely this Man was kidding, right?  Who asks a woman to do that?  No way was I going to do it.  No way, now how!

As I was thinking about it all afternoon (trying to talk myself into it, knowing that he had a greater purpose than my humiliation), I found myself thinking that there is NO way I'd be able to come up with 10.  Ten is a HUGE number for an assignment like that!  This guy must be off his rocker, right?  TEN?  Why not ten THOUSAND?  While I knew that the oven wasn't a viable option, I DID entertain the idea of deleting my facebook accounts and changing my phone number so I could just never speak to him again.  Then I tried to think about what he was trying to get me to do.  To look at myself and look for the beauty that I do not see or easily dismiss.  Dammit.  Why did I have to pick the insightful Man?

So I did it.  I haven't looked in a full-length mirror since my sister's wedding in March.  I cannot tell you which decade it was the last time I looked in a full-length mirror while naked.  When you avoid mirrors, it's easier to stay in denial about what you've done to yourself over the years.  As I stood there, really looking at myself, I started to cry.  Those of you that know me well know how out of character that is for me.  Nonetheless, the tears rolled down my face.  When I couldn't stand there any more, I put on my robe and sat down to process it all.  Finally, after a few minutes, this was my response to him:

1. My hair. Even though it needs to be recolored, it's long and strong and thick.
2. My eyebrows. I am a low-maintenance girl and my eyebrows behave themselves w/o much upkeep.
3. My eyes. They change colors with my mood. They were blue earlier today; now they're dark hazel-grey.
4. My nose piercing. I've always thought it was subtle, yet cute and sexy.
5. My ankles. That's where my tattoos are and even after all these years, I still love them.
6. The freckles on my nose.
7. My smile. I think it goes up faster in one corner and makes it look like a mischievous smirk.
ADDITION to #2. My right eyebrow specifically because I can raise that one in a quizzical manner.
8. My nipples. They're small, but very reactive to temperature and touch. My left one still has a scar from when I pierced it when I was drunk.
I'm sorry. I can't finish the rest. Anything else I say would be a lie and I won't lie to you.

I made it to #8.  EIGHT.  It wasn't ten, but it was EIGHT!  Turns out I don't hate my body nearly as much as I thought I did.  Yes, there is room for a boatload of improvement, but still, EIGHT things I like, you guys!

This is definitely progress and it only happened because I allowed Him to push me WAY outside of my comfort zone, trusting that he would be there for me no matter the result.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

What DO I want?

I've gone through 4 men in less than 3 weeks.  I went from a soul-crushing breakup with my boyfriend, to jumping in to bed with a Dom, to jumping on facebook and throwing myself into the BDSM community. It was fun and different and exciting and I met my Sir who took me under his wing so I'd stop trying to fly into the sun.  After the run I've had, my Sir suggested I take a time out and figure out what I want (which I can assure him is NOT the title of "cumslut" [inside joke] ).

So...what DO I want?  Let me see if I can describe the idyllic scenario:

I want a kind, compassion, loving partner who has a wicked sense of humor and knows how to communicate.  In daily life, I want him to be in control, but give me freedom so I don't feel smothered.  I want him to be cool-headed when I'm wound up about something, let me vent, kiss me on the forehead, and let me know that we'll get through it.  I want him to love me and my kids as close to unconditionally as humanly possible and in return I want to make sure I never give him a reason to question his decision to love.  I want someone to nudge me out of my comfort zone and be there for me to lean on while I conquer my fears. I want to know that I don't have to do it all on my own anymore; I don't have to make all of the decisions alone.  I want to feel that I am safe with him no matter what.  I want to trust that he is a man of his word.  I want him to be my rock, while I can be his soft spot when no one's looking.  I want someone who says what he means and means what he says.  I want him to enjoy my playful, feisty side, but be able to give me "the look" when it's time to shut it down before I get myself into trouble.  The yin to my yang.  In the bedroom I want him to have complete control, yet respect that I have fears and help me past those.  I want him to be able to make love to me one night and then spank and fuck the hell out of me the next night.  I want him to be at least a little kinkier than I am so I never have to be embarrassed to try something "different".

I want to do the little things that make him happy, simply because they make him happy.  I want to love him fiercely and be loyal to a fault.  I want him to know I respect him and will try to make his life a little better than it was before he met me.  I want to feel when he walks into the room without even having to look because I can sense his confidence.  I want to make him laugh every day and smile when he thinks of me.