I have a confession to make. Not a funny confession, but an serious as it gets confession. Friday night I stumbled across a new type of mixed alcoholic drink on facebook. Saturday morning, I looked up their website and saw all of the yummy concoctions they make. Saturday evening, still enamored with these drinks, I sent emails to Boss and Sidekick telling them that we NEED to sell these concoctions in our liquor store. Saturday night I was fully intending to try all 7 flavors once we got them at the store.
Did you read that? I FULLY INTENDED TO DRINK EVEN THOUGH I KNOW THAT DRINKING WILL BURN MY LIFE TO THE GROUND AND TAKE AWAY EVERYTHING I LOVE.
Why would I be willing to risk that? Because I'm the type of alcoholic that can talk herself into things. I can talk myself into things that I KNOW are absolute bullshit. I talked myself into fully believing, without a shadow of a doubt, that I would drink one of each of the 7 flavors and that would be it. I just wanted to TRY them.
On Sunday I heard about Phillip Seymour Hoffman. On Sunday, I remembered that I really AM an alcoholic and even THINKING about drinking is like playing with fire. It took the DEATH of a man I've never met, a fellow addict, to stop the bullshit playing in my head trying to convince me that "I'll be FINE" is the same lie it has always been.
We walk over the bodies in recovery, devastated to see the disease claim another person, but rejoicing that for one more day, it wasn't us.