Saturday, November 15, 2014

How do you thank the man that saved your life? You write a letter to him.

To the Mentor who saved me from myself,

There I was, broken.  Another failed relationship, another tailspin into self-destruction.  Once a confident, independent woman;  reduced to a pitiful shell of who I once was.  I had fallen back into the abyss of depression, the nightmares were back in full force, I was having 1-2 full blown panic attacks almost every single day, I had sent my children to live with their father temporarily, I was cutting, and sleeping with men who I knew would physically abuse me just to try and experience enough physical pain to quiet my mind for a few minutes and make the emotional pain stop.  You see, that's what people like me do.  We do whatever it takes to escape our feelings.  We will use and abuse drugs, alcohol, sex, money, food, people, whatever makes us feel good. Even if it's only for a few fleeting moments, and even if it fills us with guilt and shame later on.

That's how he found me.  A 38-yr old woman with the coping skills of a 6-year old child, in a freefall of self-destruction.  We met in a facebook BDSM group that I had just joined in hopes that I could find someone who would help destroy me so I didn't have to do it all on my own anymore.  The details are very hazy due to the mental state I was in at the time, but I remember reading a comment from a Dom describing the great need he had to be needed by his sub.  This caught me off guard because I had always been called too needy in relationships; that I expected too much time together and wanted too much attention and affection.  I must have said something to that effect in the comments because then next thing I know, the man that was to become my Mentor said something that stopped me dead in my tracks and honestly changed everything for me.  He said, "It's not that you're too needy, you just have needs that have never been met.  Needs that could NEVER have been met by the men you were with."  He went on to explain to me that I had been with mostly very passive men and it never worked because I was a submissive at my core.

SUBMISSIVE?  Submissive my ass!  I bowed to NO man.  Not since the abusive sadist I was with in my teen years.  I could not possibly be a submissive!  I have a fancy corporate title with dozens of people under me.  I am a single mom.  I don't let people push me around.  I've pretty much called all the shots in almost every relationship I had ever been in!  Submissive?  I think not!

He waited patiently until I was done with my tirade and began to tell me things about myself that I had never admitted to anyone.  He told me that I craved someone else to be in control.  He told me I longed for a man stronger than me, that would stand firm when I tried to push him away.  He told me I had a terrible fear of abandonment.  He said that it isn't about the role I played in my daily life, it is about who I am in my soul.  In those few sentences, he made it ok to be me and to have the feelings I was having.  In a very short amount of time, he was able to read me like no one ever had and he didn't recoil in horror.  He told me it was ok and that the things I was going through were normal and that I didn't have to feel like that anymore if I was willing to keep an open mind and learn about the lifestyle.

After spending the majority of the night talking to him, I felt a fire in me that I hadn't felt for years.  I was excited about life again.  I wanted to run and jump and laugh and cry and scream and shout.  Honestly, I thought I was having an anxiety attack.  When I got quiet all of the sudden, he said, "Let me guess.  Your heart's racing, your stomach hurts a little, you're breathing too fast, and your kind of warm."  WHAT?  How does this man know me better than I know myself?  When I said yes, he said, "Don't worry, that's normal."  Again, that one sentence made it ok to be me.  It calmed my soul enough to get my bearings again.  "Now get to bed.  Rest well.  We'll talk tomorrow."  Tomorrow.  For the first time in a very long time, tomorrow held hope and promise.  I honestly couldn't remember the last time I was excited about tomorrow, but there I was and I couldn't wait for our next conversation to take place.

Although I didn't know it at the time, we had just embarked on our journey together with him leading the way as my Mentor.  He told me to research the lifestyle and ask him any question I had (which to this day he probably regrets because I ask A LOT of questions).  He explained all of the terms being tossed about in the rooms. Dom, sub, Master, slave, Top, bottom, Daddy, bg - it was all lingo that I needed to know to understand what these people were talking about. He also explained to me that he was a Gorean Master and what that meant.  Once he told me of his Gorean beliefs, that set off another flurry of questions that I had to have answered.  I quickly learned that while I respect my Mentor grately and respect his belief system, I do not have to agree nor adhere to the same principles.  Instead of arguing until I was blue in the face, I learned the more reserved approach of "Agree to disagree".  I was making progress.  Unfortunately while all of this learning was going on, I was impatient.  I wanted to fly before I even checked to see if I had wings.  I joined a couple of BDSM dating sites and started looking for THE Dom.  I announced myself as being "brand new to the lifestyle and looking for an experienced Dom to further my training".  I might as well have wore a prime rib vest and walked into the lion's den.

As soon as I started telling Sir about all of the men I was chatting with, he told me I was to copy and paste all of the chat logs into the private blog I had set up earlier so I could write down my thoughts/feelings/questions for him to read over.  It seemed a little tedious, but he had proven that he knew what was best for me, so I did as I was told.  As luck would have it, I met The One right away.  That whirlwind courtship lasted 4-5 days and fell apart.  Nope, I guess he wasn't the one.  Moving on.  The next day, I met THE One.  Again, a whirlwind of poetic promises of a wonderful future, and oh wait, what was that?  You're married and just want to boss someone around?  No thanks.  Moving on.  Then I started talking to LW. Now HE was The ONE.  Attentive, smooth talking, and had answers for all of my questions.  I ignored all of the red flags in the beginning.  What did I know about red flags?  I didn't want to over-react and miss my chance, right?  Meanwhile, I kept posting the chat logs and running things past Sir.  I was in over my head and Sir knew it.  He also knew that he had to give me enough rope to see if I'd hang myself.  He insisted on having a discussion with LW before I decided whether or not I wanted to submit, and that's when the red flags became engulfed in flames.  LW had already talked me into doing things I didn't want to do, but then he flipped out when Sir contacted him.  That's when LW gave me an ultimatum.  I either had to choose him and cut ties with Sir and all other lifestyle friends I was making, or choose my Mentor.  He said I couldn't have it both ways, and have me 2 hours to decide.  I told Sir about the ultimatum and he sat back and waited for my decision.  I didn't have to think very long.  I knew within minutes I would choose Sir.  The red flags were too great and I was not willing to give up the safety net of Sir's mentorship.  I was actually relieved as I said goodbye to LW.

After LW came many nights of chatting with many men who said they were Doms.  I continued to copy my chat logs for Mentor to read, not knowing if he actually did or not.  The practice held me accountable and made me feel like someone was watching over me, so I kept it up.  The experience with LW taught me to ask potentials open-ended questions to see how knowledgeable and experienced they were.  After a week or two, I met GK and we hit it off quickly.  We had some common interests and he was able to answer my questions with relative ease.  I told him that before I would even consider submitting, he would have to have a discussion with my Mentor and gain his approval.  I soon learned that GK was not the Dom for me.  He liked to change the rules without notice and I was always in trouble and being punished.  I started to feel like a failure and less than, but I was still intent on proving that I was a good sub and could please him.  One night the situation took a dangerous turn and scared me.  I blogged about it as usual and before long got a phone call from Mentor, yelling at me and scolding me for putting myself in harm's way in a situation that could have been potentially fatal in my case.  I shut down and cried.  Later on, Mentor called me back when he was calmer and explained to me the error of my ways and WHY it was such a dangerous situation.  I definitely learned my lesson.

By this time I was giving up.  I felt alone and wanted more attention from Mentor than he had time to give.  I would do things to purposely garner a response from him.  True to his title, he wouldn't let me manipulate him and much to my irritation, he never took the bait.  He simply waited until I stopped acting out before he'd speak to me.  I decided the best thing for me to do would be to get an additional mentor.  I thought that a submissive mentor who had more time on her hands could give me another perspective on the lifestyle.  When I asked Sir what he thought of my idea, he said he would step away from me if that's the choice I made.  I was shocked and freaked out.  I didn't realize that my question would make him so angry that he'd abandon me.  I apologized and begged him not to leave me.  It wasn't until months later, when I was helping a girl that did the same thing, that I fully understood his reaction to me.  I felt that she was being unappreciative and ungrateful.  I was hurt and felt a little betrayed after I had spent so much time trying to point her in the right direction.  When that happened, I apologized to Sir once again and told him that I finally got it.  Things had come full circle in a way.  It was a hard lesson to learn, but one that was necessary.

After going through that long string of men in a short amount of time, I decided to take the advice given to me and stop focusing on finding a Dom.  I spent time reading about the lifestyle and making like-minded friends.  I began to understand why all of my past relationships had failed.  I began to finally understand myself.  Under my Mentor's watch, I started to piece together what it was that I really wanted.  It was around this time that close friends in the lifestyle started to mention that it sounded like I wanted Mentor to be my Sir.  I denied it repeatedly because I knew that as a Gorean Master, he preferred slaves and I knew I could NEVER do that.  I couldn't be the kind of slave he wanted and he couldn't be the kind of Dom I wanted.  The more I thought about it, the more confused I got.  Eventually, in a moment of desperation, I told him I thought I loved him and I wanted to be His.  As I was pouring my heart out to this man, I was scared to death of what the outcome would be.  As I was freaking out, he was calm as always and told me that what I was feeling was completely normal.  He explained that of course I felt that way because he was the first person that opened my eyes to the lifestyle and to myself, essentially.  I felt like he had given me life and I equated that to being in love with him.  When I asked him where we were supposed to go from there, he calmed me and told me that he would continue to mentor me until he felt it was no longer worked.  I was relieved and embarrassed.  He took it in stride.

A few months have gone by now and our relationship keeps evolving.  I have my own Sir now and my Mentor has also become my friend.  I have a great deal of respect for him and love him like a brother and a protector.  We have had a few bumps in the road and at one point, I feared our relationship was completely over.  With some painful and honest communication, we worked things out and remain friends.  I lean on him less than I used to as I learn to lean on my own Sir, however I know he's still there for me, as I am there for him. I barely recognize the person I was when I met my Mentor, and he has told me his is proud of how far I have come over these last few months.

So how do you thank the man that saved your life?  A simple "Thank You" doesn't seem adequate.  I am so grateful that he took the time to take me under his wing and keep me safe.  The only way I can think to show my gratitude toward him is to pass on the lessons he's taught me to the girls I now try to help.  If nothing else, Sir, you have completely changed my life.  Because of you, I am becoming the person I believe I was always meant to be and for that, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Goodbye SaraLynn

Sweet babygirl, the odds were against you from day one, weren't they?  Your mom, a 2-time cancer survivor, is 43 years old.  Your dad is 37.  They love each other so much.  They love YOU so much.  While you were growing in your mom, you saved her life.  Did you know that?  Your mom's cancer came back, attacked her kidney, and killed it.  Since the kidney died, it stopped the spread of the cancer.  You helped filter your mom's blood.  If not for you, she may not have known the cancer came back until it was too late.  You saved her.

The doctors kept a very close eye on you and your mom.  She said that no matter what, the focus should be kept on you and your health.  She went to medical extremes to give you the best shot she could.  She wanted so badly for you to grow healthy and strong so you could meet her and your dad.  They were both so excited at the possibilities of your future.

Your dad has been a good friend to me for a few years and has been your mom's rock.  When everything was falling apart, he stood firm and kept his focus on what was best for you and your mom.  Even when the doctors realized you weren't able to grow like they had hoped, your dad never lost faith in you.  If his faith alone could have healed you, it would have.  Unfortunately, the strain on your little body has been too much.  The doctors helped your mom stay pregnant for over 10 months just to try and give you enough time to shine, but sadly, for as good as modern medicine is, it can't fix everything.

Today your mom is at home losing you.  The hospital told her to stay there until her body and totally let go.  Your dad is on a fishing trip and your mom hasn't called him.  She wanted him to have one more weekend with the guys before breaking his heart with the news of your passing.  Your mom is perhaps the strongest woman I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.  She tried so hard, baby, but her body is giving out on her too.  She would have gladly sacrificed herself to save you.  One hundred times over she would have given her life for yours in a heartbeat.

There have been so many people rooting for you.  Your mom has endured hours upon hours of questions from well-meaning people asking about you.  I don't blame her for isolating to escape the questions that had no answers.  I only hope these same well-meaning people don't pelt your parents with the things people say in these situations that only make it worse.  "At least it happened before she was born."  "She's in a better place."  "God must have needed her more than you did."  People say these things, not realizing how insulting and hurtful they are.  I have heard every one of these and more.

Rest peacefully babygirl.  Know that there is a community of people who love you and your parents and will hold them up as they learn to let go of the hopes and dreams they held for you.  They will never forget you.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Trusting. Again.

To me, trust is walking the walk, so to speak. I have a very low baseline of trust for most people and it is built by observing how they conduct themselves with me and with others. The more genuine the person, the easier it is for me to trust them. Sometimes I just have to go on blind faith that I can trust until I am given a reason not to.

Before I met James, I was broken. Trust is not easy for me and it has been a process. Some days I have to remind myself that it would not be fair to punish him for the sins of those that came before him. In other words, it would not be fair to him to spend all of my time just waiting for the other shoe to drop and have him hurt me. As I have said many times before, I questioned the hell out of him in the beginning. There was NO WAY I was going to let myself be taken advantage of and I didn't want to waste time dealing with someone who was wrong for me.

He answered my questions honestly and even more surprisingly was when he didn't have an answer (because my questions can be painfully detailed), he just said he didn't know. I respect someone who can admit they don't know it all. As my respect for him grew, so did my trust. As my trust grew, so did my love. It IS possible to trust again.

Monday, September 15, 2014

"Maybe I'll Just Go Stick My Head In The Oven."

I've recently entered into a relationship of sorts with a gentleman.  It's a bit of a different arrangement than I'm used to, but I won't be going into the specific details just yet.  Besides, that's not the point of this blog post.

"I'd like you to stand naked in front of the full-length mirror and look at yourself.  REALLY look at yourself.  Then I want you to write down 10 things you like about your body and let me know what you've come up with," He said.  WHAT?  Are you kidding me?  That's when I came up with the oven idea.  Surely this Man was kidding, right?  Who asks a woman to do that?  No way was I going to do it.  No way, now how!

As I was thinking about it all afternoon (trying to talk myself into it, knowing that he had a greater purpose than my humiliation), I found myself thinking that there is NO way I'd be able to come up with 10.  Ten is a HUGE number for an assignment like that!  This guy must be off his rocker, right?  TEN?  Why not ten THOUSAND?  While I knew that the oven wasn't a viable option, I DID entertain the idea of deleting my facebook accounts and changing my phone number so I could just never speak to him again.  Then I tried to think about what he was trying to get me to do.  To look at myself and look for the beauty that I do not see or easily dismiss.  Dammit.  Why did I have to pick the insightful Man?

So I did it.  I haven't looked in a full-length mirror since my sister's wedding in March.  I cannot tell you which decade it was the last time I looked in a full-length mirror while naked.  When you avoid mirrors, it's easier to stay in denial about what you've done to yourself over the years.  As I stood there, really looking at myself, I started to cry.  Those of you that know me well know how out of character that is for me.  Nonetheless, the tears rolled down my face.  When I couldn't stand there any more, I put on my robe and sat down to process it all.  Finally, after a few minutes, this was my response to him:

1. My hair. Even though it needs to be recolored, it's long and strong and thick.
2. My eyebrows. I am a low-maintenance girl and my eyebrows behave themselves w/o much upkeep.
3. My eyes. They change colors with my mood. They were blue earlier today; now they're dark hazel-grey.
4. My nose piercing. I've always thought it was subtle, yet cute and sexy.
5. My ankles. That's where my tattoos are and even after all these years, I still love them.
6. The freckles on my nose.
7. My smile. I think it goes up faster in one corner and makes it look like a mischievous smirk.
ADDITION to #2. My right eyebrow specifically because I can raise that one in a quizzical manner.
8. My nipples. They're small, but very reactive to temperature and touch. My left one still has a scar from when I pierced it when I was drunk.
I'm sorry. I can't finish the rest. Anything else I say would be a lie and I won't lie to you.

I made it to #8.  EIGHT.  It wasn't ten, but it was EIGHT!  Turns out I don't hate my body nearly as much as I thought I did.  Yes, there is room for a boatload of improvement, but still, EIGHT things I like, you guys!

This is definitely progress and it only happened because I allowed Him to push me WAY outside of my comfort zone, trusting that he would be there for me no matter the result.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

What DO I want?

I've gone through 4 men in less than 3 weeks.  I went from a soul-crushing breakup with my boyfriend, to jumping in to bed with a Dom, to jumping on facebook and throwing myself into the BDSM community. It was fun and different and exciting and I met my Sir who took me under his wing so I'd stop trying to fly into the sun.  After the run I've had, my Sir suggested I take a time out and figure out what I want (which I can assure him is NOT the title of "cumslut" [inside joke] ).

So...what DO I want?  Let me see if I can describe the idyllic scenario:

I want a kind, compassion, loving partner who has a wicked sense of humor and knows how to communicate.  In daily life, I want him to be in control, but give me freedom so I don't feel smothered.  I want him to be cool-headed when I'm wound up about something, let me vent, kiss me on the forehead, and let me know that we'll get through it.  I want him to love me and my kids as close to unconditionally as humanly possible and in return I want to make sure I never give him a reason to question his decision to love.  I want someone to nudge me out of my comfort zone and be there for me to lean on while I conquer my fears. I want to know that I don't have to do it all on my own anymore; I don't have to make all of the decisions alone.  I want to feel that I am safe with him no matter what.  I want to trust that he is a man of his word.  I want him to be my rock, while I can be his soft spot when no one's looking.  I want someone who says what he means and means what he says.  I want him to enjoy my playful, feisty side, but be able to give me "the look" when it's time to shut it down before I get myself into trouble.  The yin to my yang.  In the bedroom I want him to have complete control, yet respect that I have fears and help me past those.  I want him to be able to make love to me one night and then spank and fuck the hell out of me the next night.  I want him to be at least a little kinkier than I am so I never have to be embarrassed to try something "different".

I want to do the little things that make him happy, simply because they make him happy.  I want to love him fiercely and be loyal to a fault.  I want him to know I respect him and will try to make his life a little better than it was before he met me.  I want to feel when he walks into the room without even having to look because I can sense his confidence.  I want to make him laugh every day and smile when he thinks of me.

Friday, August 22, 2014


The word "slavery" brings up many different images to different people.  My recent research on the BDSM community (remember, I'm the girl with the psych degree that is fascinated by people and what makes them tick), the Master/slave relationship has befuddled me.  In my research, I have met a few people in the lifestyle and have proceeded to pick their brains.  One gentleman, in particular, has shared a wealth of knowledge and experience with me.  As I was teasing him a bit about his preference for slaves over submissives (in a nutshell, submissives have more negotiating power in a relationship than slaves do), I mentioned that I didn't think I could ever be a slave because I have too much of a backbone.  After I said that, I apologized because it made it sound like I thought slaves were weak. That wasn't my intention.  No harm, no foul.  However, as I was driving to my appointment today, it struck me.  I HAVE been a slave.  I was a slave to my addictions for years.  Whatever my addiction required of me, I did.  Usually without hesitation.  I jumped through hoops, degraded myself, manipulated others, lied, stole, cheated, you name it, I did it.  All because my addictions told me to.  I'm not saying I could ever function as a Master's slave, but I certainly can't say I've never been one.

Seriously, humans fascinate me.  Oh, and just so I've said it, please please please don't comment with a tirade about the BDSM lifestyle.  As I said, this was for research purposes because I am easily bored and like to learn about new things.  No need to lecture me.  Ok?  Thanks. :-)

Tuesday, August 12, 2014



That is perhaps the shortest phrase on the planet that strikes fear in me and is nearly impossible for me to utter.  Why?  It is because to me, that is the ultimate admission that I am not in complete control of all things at all time (a delusion I revel in).  It is an admission that I am vulnerable, that I have feelings; that my mind operates at a diminished level that I am not comfortable with.  It’s an admission that I have failed to live up to the ridiculously high standard that I like to hold myself up to.  Honestly, I’d rather spend 50 minutes getting paper cuts and rinsing them with lemon juice than sitting in a therapist’s office asking for help.  Why?  Because acute physical pain is easier for me to deal with than emotional pain.  There’s a beginning and a foreseeable end to the physical pain.  The emotional?  Not so much.  In fact, yesterday, I was thinking about going the paper cut route, but then the news broke about Robin Williams’ death.  A larger than life icon with unlimited resources felt that suicide was the only option.  He is now a statistic.  A statistic I don’t want to be a part of.

Shortly after clicking “publish” on my blog post last week, I received a message from a friend asking me if I had ever heard of Borderline Personality Disorder; that my recent behavior seemed like textbook symptoms.  Shit.  I had forgotten all about that.  I was screwed.  Big time.  You see, I have spent so much time focusing on my recover from various addictions over the past 14 years that I forgot about the mental illness in me that rears its ugly head from time to time.  Mental illness is an insidious little bitch that will lie to you and tell you you don’t have it.  It is a lot like addiction in that respect and while proclaiming that I am a recovering alcoholic is easy for me to do, admitting I have an underlying mental issue is not.  The stigma surrounding mental illness is still so much greater than it is surrounding alcoholism.


The life of a Borderline is chaotic, at best.  Here’s the clinical criteria of what we’re dealing with: 
Borderline personality disorder affects how you feel about yourself,  how you relate to others and how you behave.
     Signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder may include:
  • Impulsive and risky behavior, such as risky driving, unsafe sex, gambling sprees or illegal drug use
  • Awareness of destructive behavior, including self-injury, but sometimes feeling unable to change it
  • Wide mood swings
  • Short but intense episodes of anxiety or depression
  • Inappropriate anger and antagonistic behavior, sometimes escalating into physical fights
  • Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
  • Suicidal behavior
  • Feeling misunderstood, neglected, alone, empty or hopeless
  • Fear of being alone
  • Feelings of self-hate and self-loathing
When you have borderline personality disorder, you often have an insecure sense of who you are. Your self-image, self-identity or sense of self often rapidly changes. You may view yourself as evil or bad, and sometimes you may feel as if you don't exist at all. An unstable self-image often leads to frequent changes in jobs, friendships, goals and values.
Your relationships are usually in turmoil. You may idealize someone one moment and then abruptly and dramatically shift to fury and hate over perceived slights or even minor misunderstandings. This is because people with borderline personality disorder often have difficulty accepting gray areas — things seem to be either black or white.

If you identify with those characteristics, don’t panic.  As with everything in life, there are different degrees of everything.  It is to the DEGREE (length & severity) that these symptoms interfere with your life that points to whether or not you may have a problem.  I’ve had many years where the symptoms were so mild, I could chalk it up to being part of my alcoholism.  Spending countless hours in recovery meetings kept everything at bay and mostly under control.  So much so, that I believed it was a non-issue and hadn’t been for over a decade.  It took a fresh pair of eyes from a blog reader to alert me of the re-emergence of this particular problem.  I did not see it.  I could not have seen it without someone helping me.


When you’re presented with a problem, there is usually a couple of options.  You can ignore it and see if it goes away (which it rarely does), you can try to solve the problem on your own (which in this case, you can’t because a sick brain cannot fix its sick self), you can do nothing and let it get worse, or you can do something about it.  You can ask for help. *GASP*  So that’s what I did. I asked for help.  After a dozen phone calls to the insurance company and different providers, I finally found someone willing to accept my insurance and take me on as a client.  Then I told people about my decision and when my appointment was so I couldn’t rationalize my way back out of the decision by thinking I was over-reacting to the problem and that I didn’t REALLY need help after all.  For as hard as making the decision was, taking the action of GOING to the appointment was infinitely harder.  But I went.  I didn’t even throw up until AFTER the appointment was over!  Instead of resigning myself to a life of pain (metaphorical paper cuts), I was told that I deserve better (I’ll believe that someday) and went to someone who hopefully knows not only how to slap a band-aid on it, but deal with the root cause of the problem. 


It was painful and scary, but not as scary as looking at the future with little-to-no hope of it getting better any time soon.


 It might be scary and it might hurt like hell to do it, but you CAN do it.  Like they say in recovery, “Try our way and do the things that those of us who have been successful do.  If it doesn’t work, we’ll gladly refund your misery.”

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Self-Worth (aka The Tale of Me Losing My Mind and Self)

How does one determine self-worth?  Is it based on results?  Competent  employee?  Good parent? Good partner? Who validates this?  Is the validation from another what “proves” our worthiness?  Perhaps some of you are saying, “The proof comes from within.”  How do you know that?  Is it a feeling?  Is it possible for others to SEE your worth, yet you FEEL none of it?  I’m not talking about feeling “unworthy”, just having no self-worth.  To me, there is a difference between the two.  Maybe that’s where I’m getting tripped up.

Perhaps I’ve always felt…screw it, let’s put it in the present tense, shall we, since this is what I’m wrestling with lately.

I think I feel like I am a body to be used by others.  My employers are mostly happy with my job performance on any given day.  They use me for my intellect, problem-solving abilities, common sense, and knowledge of all things financial in our small piece of the corporate world.  In return, I get paid and can walk around with a sense of having control over that piece of my life.  However, for as high up on the ladder as I am, I am replaceable.  It would be difficult for the company, but hiring two people with the correct skills is all it would take to replace me.

I am a mother.  My daughters use me for the fulfillment of their basic needs, guidance, a soft-spot to land (emotionally and physically), and a source of stress, humor, and love.  I am not a “great” mother, but I do what I can most days.  Some days I can only do the bare minimum.  I know that mothering is supposed to feel like my most important job, but I’ve always fallen short of that.  That’s MY reality.  That’s what they’ve grown up in.  That’s THEIR normal.  Unfortunately, their normal is a mom who doesn’t get up to make them breakfast (not since they’ve been old enough to do it for themselves).  Instead, they have a mom that would sleep all day and stay up most of the night if it wasn’t for that pesky job.  They know they have a mom that likes to be asked, or at least warned, before being touched.  And for as hard as I try to hide it and not let it happen, I’m pretty sure my 11-year old knows that it’s easier for her 10-year old sister to touch me and not have me tense up or recoil.  I feel bad for them growing up with a mom who on most days doesn’t want to be touched, but some days hugs them and never wants to let go.  I tell them all the time, “I love you, I just don’t want to be touched right now.”  They usually respect that and I try to ignore the fact that I feel like a bad mom.

Then there’s my “love life”.  Perhaps calling it my “sexual life” is more accurate since the partners that have said they loved me have all changed their minds at some point.  If you’ve been reading my blog for awhile, you know that I’m a recovering alcoholic.  Simply stated, most women in recovery have a tumultuous past filled with sexual abuse, misconduct, and promiscuity for one reason or another.  I am no different.  In the past (in my active drinking days before I was married), sex (not just intercourse, I’m talking in the BROAD sense of the word) had many functions.  It was something to be bartered to get what I want, a type of “get out of jail free” card when I was in trouble, a way to control others (or at least granted me the illusion that I was in control), something to do for the hell of it, a form of self-punishment, and yes, sometimes it was a weapon used against me.  When you look at the entire scope of it, I guess it’s no wonder that my views on sex differ from “the norm”.
I’m not sure if I’ve ever been “made love to”, but I’ve had a lot of sex, and have been fucked a great deal.  I think the emotions behind the act are what is supposed to determine which category the act falls into, but like I said, when every partner that has claimed to love you eventually changes their mind, how can I be sure?

Putting that a side for a minute (it’s info you’ll need for the next part, so keep it in the back of your mind), let’s talk about what’s been going on over the last few weeks.  Again, if you are familiar with my facebook page (OrganizedPeopleAreJustTooLazyToLookForStuff), you know that my boyfriend broke up with me.  He was supposed to be THE ONE.  Promises were made and in my head the future was being planned out.  However, after a few short months, he changed his mind and left me.  To say it threw me for a loop is an understatement.  I went into a tailspin.  How do you go from “We should get married” to “I don’t have the energy for a relationship” in such a short time?  I was told it wasn’t my fault, but that didn’t make it any easier.  I think it made it worse because if felt just that much more unfair.  There was no way to gain closure.  I was hurting more than I had hurt in a long time, and I do not deal well with emotional pain.  Physical pain has always been easier for me to tolerate than emotion pain, and anger is ALWAYS preferable to hurt.  I know what to do with anger.  I act out.  When you’re pissed off you can yell and scream and swear and throw things and break shit and lash out and people (including myself) will usually excuse it by saying, “Ah, she’s just angry.  She’ll get over it.”  Anger is easy.  HURT, and I’m talking the deep-down, soul-crushing hurt is so much harder to deal with.  To admit I’m hurt is to admit I’m vulnerable.  To admit I’m vulnerable is to admit I’m weak.  To admit I’m weak is unacceptable.  I like to pretend I’m the Ice Queen with the cold, black heart that has no feelings and therefore can’t be hurt, but we all know better. 

If I DIDN’T feel, I wouldn’t have gone into that post-breakup tailspin.  It began with disbelief in what was happening and moved into a sadness like I had not felt in years.  Getting out of bed became nearly impossible. Moving around was such a chore you would have sworn I gained 200 pounds over night.   The nightmares came back in full force,I started having panic attacks daily, sometimes more than once a day, and I started cutting myself (a coping skill from long ago).  That’s when I started taking the anti-anxiety meds (benzos) the shrink had given me months ago to get through a couple of really long dental appointments.  I started with the suggested dose even though I knew it wouldn’t be enough (body size factors in and that dose is used on people ¼ of my weight).  When 1 didn’t work, I started taking them 2 at a time and that helped for a couple of days.  Unfortunately, former drug addicts build tolerances very quickly and before I knew it, I had to take 3 at a time to be ok (Note: even 3 at a time was a medically acceptable dose, I was not in danger of over-dosing).  I spent the next week or two in an emotional haze.  Going through the motions as best I could, but I was losing ground.  I sent the kids to live with their dad; the very man who I had to protect them from a few years ago due to HIS mental state.  That blow was almost as bad as the breakup itself, but it had to be done.  I couldn’t stomach them seeing me in that condition.

Becoming an alcoholic at such a young age prevented me from learning any real coping skills.  MY coping skills included drugs, alcohol, self-abuse, and/or sex; sometimes a combination of all of those.   I wasn’t drinking and the drugs (which stopped the cutting and the panic attacks) were running out (because my shrink is a fucker and wouldn’t listen to reason – or so I felt), so what’s next?  Yep, self-abuse and/or sex.  I needed to have physical pain to overshadow the emotional pain I couldn’t handle.  I didn’t want to hurt myself (because really, I don’t need any more fucking scars on my body), so the only other option is to let someone else do it, and that’s what I did.  I called a guy from a couple of years back (after weeks of talking it turned into a one-night stand) who had been VERY aggressive in bed and left me with bruises all over and a reactivated PTSD reaction.  Yep, in all of my “wisdom”, I got a hold of him, told him what was going on and told him what I wanted.  I would meet him in a hotel and told him to do whatever he wanted to me as long as it was enough to take my mind off of everything.  I didn’t want to feel the HURT anymore and if physical pain is what it would take, I was ok with that.

Here’s the bitch about being an addict – whatever we use as a method of escape, only grants TEMPORARY relief and once that relief starts to wear off, we need MORE of whatever we’re using so the feelings don’t come back.  We will use until we hit the gates of insanity and sometimes walk right through them just so we don’t have to FEEL any more.  That being said, the night in the motel was not ENOUGH.  Yes, it took my mind off of things temporarily, but it didn’t cure the emotional hurt.  I needed MORE.  Less than 6 hours after spending the night in a hotel room letting a man abuse me, I was laying on another old friend’s massage table getting a naked massage.  Why?  Because the physical sensation was enough to quiet my mind, and he was willing to give me a massage and not expect anything in return other than the joys of getting to rub down a naked chick on his massage table.  The massage was still not enough to fix the hurt.  I needed MORE.  MORE “something” to make the feelings stop.  I sent a text to a old boyfriend from high school (we’ve stayed in contact over the years and have hooked up a couple of times in the last 20 years), but he was busy.  SHIT.  Now what?  SOMETHING had to be done.  The panic attack was coming and I was out of benzos and didn’t want to drink.  That’s when I got on facebook and basically offered to drive 2 states a way to make out with a friend I have known for awhile but have never met face-to-face.  I was seriously out of control.

Please understand that although I try to lace some humor throughout the story, I am fully aware of how ashamed I should be…of how embarrassed I should be of my behavior.  This is not lost on me.  I share these things because more likely than not, there is someone else out there dealing with similar stuff and feels alone.  It is my hope that my story can help someone else.  As I sit here typing this, I have not taken any extra medication in 3 ½ days.  My daughters are back home.  I have been attending 12-Step meetings every couple of days, trying to get myself back on track.  I still want to crawl out of my skin, but have kept my pants on. 

This is where we return to the original topic of self-worth.  I don’t believe a person with a sense of self-worth would have done the things I have done in the last couple of weeks.  Would they?  I can’t attribute ALL of my behavior to my addictive tendencies, can I?  Would someone who feels like they have self-worth put their body through what I just did?  I had a moment of clarity (which always wrecks a good denial session) while I was laying on the massage table letting a man I had only seen once in the last 6 years fondle my boobs.  I thought, “Why am I letting him do this?”  He didn’t ask to; I stripped on my own accord.  I’m beginning to think I never got past seeing my body as something to be used by other people.  Shouldn’t I by now?  I mean, MOST people wouldn’t just get naked and let people do whatever they wanted to them, would they?  Don’t some people feel their bodies are THEIRS and feel like it’s a gift to share them with others intimately?  I’m sure I’ve heard that somewhere, but I don’t know.

I guess I’ll put this question out to the class:  How do YOU know (or show?) you have self-worth?  I hope that some people will leave comments, because I really don’t know.