Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Am I one of THOSE people now?

I'm overweight and have been my entire life.  I used to hate listening to people blather on and on about their workouts and diets.  Every time I hear a skinny person say, "Oh, I can't eat that brownie, it will go straight to my hips!", I wanted to choke them with the brownie.  I didn't want to hear about any of that because I was more comfortable living in denial.  Hell, it wasn't even denial.  I just wanted to ignore the fact that I was only getting heavier as the years went by and I wasn't doing anything about it because I was scared to try one more time and fail one more time.  I was also the fat girl that many would sleep with, but few would date. 

Last year, after yet another health scare, 2 weeks before my 37th birthday, I joined a nutrition and weightloss center.  6.5 months later, I have lost 50 pounds.  Actually I lost the 50 in the first 5 months and have just been bouncing back and forth between 3-5 pounds for the last month and a half.  I'm not doing all of the things I should be.  I have slacked off.  I have increased my workouts threefold, but haven't been following the suggested eating plan.  I'm not doing the work and I'm not reaping the rewards.  No one's fault but mine.

I have turned into one of those people that occasionally posts about her workouts.  I try to only post about it if something funny happened or if I've met a milestone.  I try to encourage other people and seem to have been lucky enough to have a group of encouraging people surround me.  I have the attitude, "If you don't like what I post, just don't read it."

Here lies the situation that I'm not sure how to handle.  An old drinking-buddy and I have been chatting back and forth on facebook.  We flirt a little like we did back in the day.  He was (is) a sweet guy and I'm pretty sure we made out once or twice (like I said, he was a DRINKING buddy...good chance I probably made out with him).  We lost contact for 7-8 years, but again, ran into each other on facebook.  Here's the deal.  D (that's what we'll call him) is a very large person who prides himself on the giant meals he cooks (he's a great cook), savors every second while eating these meals, and then brags about the naps he takes afterward. Other than when he's at work, his life mainly revolves around food and he has no plans to change that.  He is ok being him.  I applaud him for his "if they don't like me, who gives a shit?" attitude.

I guess I'll just go ahead and say it.  I am not attracted to D.  At all.  He's sweet and fun to flirt with (but I'll flirt a little with anyone who's willing), but that's all there is.  He wants to hook up with me and I want none of that.  At first I thought I had turned into one of THOSE people that I hated.  The ones that didn't want to be with me because I was fat.  The more I think about it, I'm not sure that's the whole truth.  I'm an addict.  Alcohol, drugs, sex, food...you name it, I've been addicted to it.  I don't want to go back to planning my day around food.  I don't want to go back to eating everything in sight, scale be damned, only to end up hating myself for being fat.  I have worked like hell to get off the guilt/shame roller coaster and don't want to get back on.  I am not attracted to his lifestyle and certainly would never try to force mine on him. So now what?  What do I say?  Could anything sound more hateful than, "Sorry.  Not interested because you're fat."?  No matter how I try to think of a way to say it, it always sounds like that.  I don't want to do to him what so many men did to me - a quick roll in the hay, and hey, see you around.

I dare say I've acquired some STANDARDS.  There might even be the possibility that I am allowed to politely decline unwanted advances.  Who does that?  I surely never have.  It's almost as if after a life of self-destruction, I'm learning to make better choices.  Oh dear gods, does this mean I'm growing up?

6 comments:

  1. I-m-a-drunk, too... sober 11 years. So, I get the addicted to everything kind of thing... you may just be thinking too much, or it may just be that you are not attracted to him and the reason doesn't have to be important... at least that is my thought on the subject... I guess the good thing about it; you know that you are not attracted to him --that sitting on the fence thingy is the worst.

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  2. Another drunk here. Sober 25 years. Sweetie, you HAVE acquired standards and self worth! You have choices today and you get to say "no thank you". No explaination required. Kind of felt weird when I first started saying "no thanks" to alcohol, drugs, food and especially unwanted advances from men. You deserve to be with someone who rocks your world! Settle for nothing less.

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    1. 25 years? CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! I look up to people like you to show me the way. Thank you. :-)

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  3. I kinda think, unless you've had sex or discussed furthering your relationship, there's nothing you're required to explain. If he asks you out, you say, No thanks. If he says why, you can either decline answering, or say, you just don't have enough in common.

    There is NOTHING wrong with limiting your interaction to "toxic" people. Toxic people does not mean you are judging, or that those people are bad, it just means they don't fit in with your goals. They are toxic to your goals. If you let toxicity in you will fail.
    If you put up a boundary and say I don't want to be close to you because I want a different life, that just means you're loving yourself and supporting yourself in your own goals.
    Surround yourself with people who have similar goals.
    That's the reason people in your life didn't want to be with you before, not because you're horrible, not because you aren't attractive, not because you're unlovable, just because of the simple fact that those people had different goals.
    It is an automatic judgemnent on others when we see they don't follow our goals, and the stronger our goals are the quicker that judgement comes. You see someone doing something you would NEVER do, you don't want to be with them and your brain gives you a million reasons why that person is "toxic".
    The hardest part is now, when you're changing goals and you aren't completely sold on doing it. If you were, you would be doing it! When others come into our lives at that point, it reflects our true goals. But you are always in control and can always change those goals.
    So what if you are "One of those people", if it turns out you're happier and healthier, that's all that matters.

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    1. Wow. I love your perspective about the person vs. the goals. Thank you so much for that.

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