Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Sometimes Denial Is No Longer An Option

Last week I had a health scare.  For the 2nd time in two years, I was afraid I was having a heart attack.  I'm 36.  36 year old people should not be concerned about having heart attacks.  I'm a 36 year old single mother of 2 young girls.  I can't have a heart attack.  I know I medically can, but I CAN'T.  It started on Monday with a sore/achy left shoulder.  I ignored it until Tuesday morning when I woke up and felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest.  My heart wasn't beating funny, so I thought it was my lungs.  One asthma treatment later, and nothing had improved, so I tried to ignore it and I went to work.  At 5pm I took my kids to their dad's house so I could go to the doctor since nothing was getting any better.

1st ER - I was hooked up to the heart monitor and EKG pretty quickly while blood was drawn to look for "indicators".  After a couple hours, it was determined that all of my cardiac functioning was fine and it definitely wasn't my heart.  The next thing the doctor's talked about was a possible blood clot in my lungs.  Normally a CT Scan would provide answers fairly quickly.  Unfortunately for me, the CT scanner at this facility was a "standard size" machine and I would not fit in it.  Enter shame and embarrassment.  After giving me Valium for the panic attack and Morphine for the pain, a few hours later they decided they would transport me to their sister facility in the closest major city because they were better equipped to deal with me.

2nd ER - Again with the heart monitors and EKG and discussion of a CT Scan.  After an hour or so of monitoring, the doctor came in and said a CT scan wasn't going to be an option after all and they were going to do a V/Q scan (involved radioactive air & dye & multiple x-rays).  This test is a lot less accurate, but it's all they could do. As it turns out, I am ok.  We think.  We can't be definitive because I am  TOO FAT FOR LIFESAVING MEDICAL TESTS.  WTF?  Who let's themselves get to that point?  WHY?  HOW?  I find I want to go into a multi-paragraph, self bashing rant, but I can't say anything worse that I haven't already said and it doesn't help anyway.

At my brother's insistence, I have an appointment later this week at a nutritional/weightloss center.   I hate it and I'm scared and I want to throw up just thinking about it, but I'm out of options.  I've always been self-destructive.  Booze, drugs, cigarettes, sex, food...you name it, I've abused it.  I no longer drink, use, smoke (except the occasional few puffs), or sleep around.  Food is the one thing that's still got me by the neck.

So now I take this huge leap forward and hope like hell something works.


  1. Oh girl. Food has been my biggest obstacle in life. But you can conquer that, too. You can.

    1. Thank you. I may need you to remind me of that in the future. :-)

  2. It WILL work...because it HAS to work. Your girls NEED it to work. I know how scared you must be. I know how far out of your comfort zone this is pushing you. But I also know how strong willed and stubborn you can be!! You've got this Tina. Totally! And if the place you are going to would like you to count those evil little calories...come to myfitnesspal.com (there is also a phone app) and be my friend. I will always be in your corner cheering you on! I am proud of you!

  3. You have GOT. THIS. You hear me? We are doing this. I am pulling for you - and I know you have what it takes to succeed. <3<3<3