Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Sometimes Denial Is No Longer An Option

Last week I had a health scare.  For the 2nd time in two years, I was afraid I was having a heart attack.  I'm 36.  36 year old people should not be concerned about having heart attacks.  I'm a 36 year old single mother of 2 young girls.  I can't have a heart attack.  I know I medically can, but I CAN'T.  It started on Monday with a sore/achy left shoulder.  I ignored it until Tuesday morning when I woke up and felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest.  My heart wasn't beating funny, so I thought it was my lungs.  One asthma treatment later, and nothing had improved, so I tried to ignore it and I went to work.  At 5pm I took my kids to their dad's house so I could go to the doctor since nothing was getting any better.

1st ER - I was hooked up to the heart monitor and EKG pretty quickly while blood was drawn to look for "indicators".  After a couple hours, it was determined that all of my cardiac functioning was fine and it definitely wasn't my heart.  The next thing the doctor's talked about was a possible blood clot in my lungs.  Normally a CT Scan would provide answers fairly quickly.  Unfortunately for me, the CT scanner at this facility was a "standard size" machine and I would not fit in it.  Enter shame and embarrassment.  After giving me Valium for the panic attack and Morphine for the pain, a few hours later they decided they would transport me to their sister facility in the closest major city because they were better equipped to deal with me.

2nd ER - Again with the heart monitors and EKG and discussion of a CT Scan.  After an hour or so of monitoring, the doctor came in and said a CT scan wasn't going to be an option after all and they were going to do a V/Q scan (involved radioactive air & dye & multiple x-rays).  This test is a lot less accurate, but it's all they could do. As it turns out, I am ok.  We think.  We can't be definitive because I am  TOO FAT FOR LIFESAVING MEDICAL TESTS.  WTF?  Who let's themselves get to that point?  WHY?  HOW?  I find I want to go into a multi-paragraph, self bashing rant, but I can't say anything worse that I haven't already said and it doesn't help anyway.

At my brother's insistence, I have an appointment later this week at a nutritional/weightloss center.   I hate it and I'm scared and I want to throw up just thinking about it, but I'm out of options.  I've always been self-destructive.  Booze, drugs, cigarettes, sex, food...you name it, I've abused it.  I no longer drink, use, smoke (except the occasional few puffs), or sleep around.  Food is the one thing that's still got me by the neck.

So now I take this huge leap forward and hope like hell something works.