Thursday, April 26, 2012

Does that thing that hangs down have a bone in it?

The Science Fair is coming up and 7 & 9 are working on their projects. 7 is studying rocks (my Sister-in-Law is a geologist/science teacher – SCORE!) and 9 wants to learn about cows.  She found a cow skull in the woods by her dad’s house and has been completely enamored by this thing.    We were discussing how to focus on just a couple of points (are cow bones made of the same thing that people bones are made of?) to keep the project on cows manageable.  <I  can’t stomach another HUGE science project that’s due in 10 days.> As we were talking about it, 7 runs in the room, rattles off something about 9’s “boyfriend”, giggled and ran out.  Here is how the next 10 minutes went:

“ So, this boy that you’re blushing about…is that W?  The boy you get into trouble to chatting with during class?”

9 (blushing and giggling), “Yeah.  He likes to talk to me.  He even has a nickname for me.  He calls me Bacon.”

“ Bacon?  That seems kind of harsh, doesn’t it?” <Little bastard better NOT call my kid fat!>

“ When I’m hot and sweaty, my face turns pink.   I kind of look like a pink pig then.  See?  Bacon.” <To her it's funny and perfectly ok.>

We laughed and I steered her back to her project.  About 2 minutes later, she turns, looks at me, hangs her arm down, makes a swinging-back-and-forth motion with her finger, and says, “Does that thing that hangs down have a bone in it?”

 *choke cough cough* “That “thing”? Does it have a bone in it?  That “thing” as in, like, uh…a boy’s boy-parts?”  <Let me out of here.  I don’t want to have this conversation.  If I sneak away, will she notice?>

9 looks shocked and yells, “Good God, mom, you’re GROSS! “ 
<Oh no, what have I done? What am I getting myself in to?  How can I exit stage left QUICKLY?> 

“ Well, what were you talking about then if it wasn’t a boy?” I say as my face turns purple.

“ COWS! COWS!  Does that thing that hangs under the cow where the milk comes out have BONES in it?” she says in exasperation.   <Oh thank God. I STILL want to leave, but not as bad.  How do I fix this?  Where the hell is her father?  He grew up with cows.  He’s got a penis.  HE should be here for this.>

At this point, my face turns redder than hers and we’re both laughing so hard that tears are running down our faces.    Then 7 comes in and demands to know what we’re laughing about.  We keep cackling and try to tell her what just happened. 

Trying to be a somewhat responsible and informative parent, I catch my breath and say, “UDDERS. That’s what hangs under a girl cow.  UDDERS.  And no, there are no bones in there.”

“Udders,” 9 repeats and makes that same swaying hand motion.

Because I know how 7’s brain works <she never lets anything go until she's grilled me about every aspect of it>, I said, “ As far as boys go, there’s no bone there either…and it has a real name.  It’s called a penis.”

7, ever the intellect, pipes up with, “Penis? Penis.  That’s a stupid name.” <She makes me laugh>

“ Well, don’t look at me.  I’M not the one that named it.  Sometimes boys call it a boner, but there’s still no bone in it. [insert long pause here]  Can we change the subject and pretend this whole thing never happened?” <Please? I’d like to turn the clock back 20 minutes.>

9 looks at me, still laughing, and says, “ Yes, please.”  <That’s my girl.>

Welcome to my world.  I will never survive puberty and the teenage years.


  1. Oh, Tina! I have a feeling this is just the beginning of many "get me the HELL OUTTA HERE moments" that again, we wouldn't trade for the world!

    1. At least you and I have each other to share the cringe-inducing moments with!

  2. ..very interesting and looking at life from the eyes of our kids. ..seeing things from their own perspective. ..I miss those happy years now

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