Thursday, April 26, 2012

Does that thing that hangs down have a bone in it?


The Science Fair is coming up and 7 & 9 are working on their projects. 7 is studying rocks (my Sister-in-Law is a geologist/science teacher – SCORE!) and 9 wants to learn about cows.  She found a cow skull in the woods by her dad’s house and has been completely enamored by this thing.    We were discussing how to focus on just a couple of points (are cow bones made of the same thing that people bones are made of?) to keep the project on cows manageable.  <I  can’t stomach another HUGE science project that’s due in 10 days.> As we were talking about it, 7 runs in the room, rattles off something about 9’s “boyfriend”, giggled and ran out.  Here is how the next 10 minutes went:

“ So, this boy that you’re blushing about…is that W?  The boy you get into trouble to chatting with during class?”

9 (blushing and giggling), “Yeah.  He likes to talk to me.  He even has a nickname for me.  He calls me Bacon.”

“ Bacon?  That seems kind of harsh, doesn’t it?” <Little bastard better NOT call my kid fat!>

“ When I’m hot and sweaty, my face turns pink.   I kind of look like a pink pig then.  See?  Bacon.” <To her it's funny and perfectly ok.>

We laughed and I steered her back to her project.  About 2 minutes later, she turns, looks at me, hangs her arm down, makes a swinging-back-and-forth motion with her finger, and says, “Does that thing that hangs down have a bone in it?”

 *choke cough cough* “That “thing”? Does it have a bone in it?  That “thing” as in, like, uh…a boy’s boy-parts?”  <Let me out of here.  I don’t want to have this conversation.  If I sneak away, will she notice?>

9 looks shocked and yells, “Good God, mom, you’re GROSS! “ 
<Oh no, what have I done? What am I getting myself in to?  How can I exit stage left QUICKLY?> 

“ Well, what were you talking about then if it wasn’t a boy?” I say as my face turns purple.

“ COWS! COWS!  Does that thing that hangs under the cow where the milk comes out have BONES in it?” she says in exasperation.   <Oh thank God. I STILL want to leave, but not as bad.  How do I fix this?  Where the hell is her father?  He grew up with cows.  He’s got a penis.  HE should be here for this.>

At this point, my face turns redder than hers and we’re both laughing so hard that tears are running down our faces.    Then 7 comes in and demands to know what we’re laughing about.  We keep cackling and try to tell her what just happened. 

Trying to be a somewhat responsible and informative parent, I catch my breath and say, “UDDERS. That’s what hangs under a girl cow.  UDDERS.  And no, there are no bones in there.”

“Udders,” 9 repeats and makes that same swaying hand motion.

Because I know how 7’s brain works <she never lets anything go until she's grilled me about every aspect of it>, I said, “ As far as boys go, there’s no bone there either…and it has a real name.  It’s called a penis.”

7, ever the intellect, pipes up with, “Penis? Penis.  That’s a stupid name.” <She makes me laugh>

“ Well, don’t look at me.  I’M not the one that named it.  Sometimes boys call it a boner, but there’s still no bone in it. [insert long pause here]  Can we change the subject and pretend this whole thing never happened?” <Please? I’d like to turn the clock back 20 minutes.>

9 looks at me, still laughing, and says, “ Yes, please.”  <That’s my girl.>

Welcome to my world.  I will never survive puberty and the teenage years.

5 comments:

  1. Oh, Tina! I have a feeling this is just the beginning of many "get me the HELL OUTTA HERE moments" that again, we wouldn't trade for the world!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. At least you and I have each other to share the cringe-inducing moments with!

      Delete
  2. ..very interesting and looking at life from the eyes of our kids. ..seeing things from their own perspective. ..I miss those happy years now

    ReplyDelete
  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete