Monday, March 26, 2012

Le sigh...

I am failing.  As a mom. As a human being. As an adult.  As a woman that doesn't want to die early or be alone the rest of her life.  I'm not failing in EVERY area, just in the one that affects everything else.  My health.  I've been keeping a smile on my face.  If I act like I'm happy, everyone else is happy too.  Pretending is always easier than facing reality.  It always has been.  Admitting the problem would mean I have to address the problem.  Addressing the problem will result in failure (it always HAS).  They say the only thing worse than trying and failing is not trying at all.  I beg to differ.  Acting as if I'm oblivious to the problem and happy with life is the easiest way to ignore it and not have other people broach it.  It's the white elephant in the room.  I'M the white elephant in the room.

I've battled with addictions my whole life.  I've had my ass kicked by them and have done some ass kicking myself.  I have not used an illegal drug since 1997.  Before the 2-day bender I went on last summer, I had been sober since 2005.  I now have 9.5 months clean and sober again. I had quit smoking for over 6 years too until last year's relapse.  I've been smoking since then.  I've cut way down to 2 per day (unless I'm out with friends then it's more).  I've stopped being slutty.  I've won the war against self-injury.  All these things have been varying degrees of hard, but there is still one left.  One addiction so powerful that I don't talk about it.  I pretend it's not an issue.  It gnaws away at me.  I see patterns being repeated by my oldest daughter.  For as hard as I've tried, I can't control it.  Not that I'd ever admit it out loud.  I kicked a heroin habit, but I can't quit eating things that are bad for me.  There.  It's out.  It's easier to get it out here.  I don't have to hear it out loud and I don't have to see the "well, duh" looks on your faces, and I don't have to squirm and sweat under what I'm sure are judgmental eyes.  That's one of the "pleasures" of being an addict.  I can mind-fuck myself better than anyone else EVER could.  E.V.E.R.

This article makes me sad because although it is well written and makes some pretty good points, it shows me where I've been failing.
Safe ways to help kids lose weight.

As horrified as I am to admit it, THIS ARTICLE is what I can easily identify with.  The mom has said things to her 7-yr old that were said to me by my own mother when I was 6...things I have to consciously make sure don't come out of my OWN mouth when talking to my daughter.  I hope I never make my children feel the shame my mother made me feel (i.e. told me to go on a diet shortly before kindergarten started because, "No one wants to be friends with the fat kid in the class.  You won't have any friends if you don't lose weight.").  I'm 36.  I've had plenty of years to process and "get over it", but obviously I haven't.  Every day I look in the mirror, I can her here saying it as if it was yesterday.  Looking back, I believe she had good intentions, but a horseshit delivery.  Knowing that she grew up in an untreated alcoholic home sheds a little light on a lot of her behavior.  It doesn't make it all right, but it has taken her off the "demon" pedestal I had her on and brings her back down to human.  If I brought it up today, not only would she not remember saying it, she would deny it vehemently.  She always does.  Anything that she cannot remember must not have happened and therefore is a lie.  Judge, jury, executioner...that's mommy dearest for you.

I have to leave now.  Kids are almost back from school and I still have a mountain of paperwork to get through.  I'll post this now so I don't change my mind later and delete it all.  If  anyone's reading this, have a good day.