"I want it all and now so I can just move on with my life.”
This sentence came out of my mouth a few days ago. It’s been in my
head for awhile, but finally made its way to the surface and erupted in a
rant about relationships. Rant is probably too strong of word, but it
sounded less pathetic than a woe-is-me whine-fest.
Here are some conclusions I have come to:
While I have always supported people who choose to go to therapy
(esp. since I have a degree in it), I have never had good luck with
therapists and therefore choose not to go. I had one therapist who
spent and hour telling me that it’s not acceptable for a man to hit a
woman, and then that night, when I was reading the paper, saw he had
been arrested the week prior for domestic assault. Needless to say,
that therapeutic relationship ended abruptly. Then there was the one
that thought positive thinking is the answer to life’s woes. Granted,
positive thinking is HUGE, but I can’t positively think my way out of
things that have happened in the past that spring up from time to time.
He eventually told me I was being too difficult and didn’t see a point
in continuing therapy. Again, thanks, but I’m out of here. Oh, and
let’s not forget the woman who was weird, but tolerable, who left 5
messages for me one night on my phone and then abruptly was “no longer
employed here” when I tried to return her call the next day.
My inherent problem with the therapists & psychiatrists I have
dealt with is that their tendency to hide behind their degree. I’m not
an idiot. Reverse psychology doesn’t work on me. I also have extensive
drug knowledge (some book knowledge, lots of personal experience) and
therefore won’t automatically buy into what they’re selling as the magic
cure. I honestly don’t pretend I know more than them, I just want them
to realize that they’re dealing with someone who may be a little more
advanced than the general client and therefore will be annoyed at any
attempts to dumb things down for me. Sometimes I wonder if that falls
under “terminal uniqueness”, but I really don’t think it does.
So…back to the relationship and what the hell that has to do with the
therapist thing. I think I need help and so far no one in the program
has been able to provide it. I don’t know if I’m just resisting, or if
it’s actually just time to call in a pro. Therapist shopping is about
as appealing as bra shopping when you are well-endowed. Rarely does the
first one fit right and even when you DO find a tolerable one, it’s
still going to rub you the wrong way at some point. If you, dear reader, are of the
athletic male persuasion, will just have to take my word for it.
I realized (when I said it out loud) that I had been looking for a
man to plug into my life all comfy/cozy like. I didn’t want the
awkwardness of meeting, dating, and learning about each other and seeing
if it would lead anywhere. I just wanted someone who would finally
show me what it feel like to be loved (or at least why I think it’s
supposed to feel like) and who would treat my daughters and I well. I
wasn’t looking for perfection, just the right puzzle piece to fit in the
empty spot. I think that’s supposed to sound messed up to normal
people. I think most people find the getting to know someone process
exciting. Again, more proof that I am neither “normal” or “most”.
I had a date last Friday night. He and I had been talking for about a
week, his background check came out clean, and he seemed funny and nice
enough. Long story short, I invited him over (not smart, I know),
things got physical (consensual at first), he roughed me up (got the
fricken bruises to show for it), and I have been kicking myself ever
since. The light bulb finally came on (only took 3 failed attempts at
dating), and I now see what the problem is…
This appears to be my dating S.O.P.:
1) Meet guy online.
2) Spend days and nights texting and talking. Start to think he’s pretty cool…maybe HE’S the one I’ve been waiting for.
3) Run a thorough background check (I do them for potential employees, why not for potential dates?”
4) Find him interesting and think we could turn into something.
5) Communication turns flirty and then morphs into talks about what we
each like and don’t like in the bedroom. These conversations may or may
no be filled with embellishment of one’s own abilities.
6) I end up in his bed or he ends up in mine.
7) I realize how annoying this man really is and just want to escape or
have him sneak away without thinking horrible things about me. I tear
myself to shreds because “I’ll never learn” and “I guess I haven’t
really changed since my using days” and leads to “This is not the
example I want to lead for my daughters” and eventually gets to “I’m a
whore and unlovable. I desperately want you to love me, but in order to
do that, I have to sleep with you. Once I sleep with you, all emotion
and hopes for a real relationship flies out the door.
Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
Friday night, my gut said, “don’t do it”, my head said, “It’ll be
fine. He seems nice. You’ve been good, you deserve this,” and my body
said, “Seriously, it’s been months since you’ve been laid. LET’S GO
ALREADY!!” I’ve never been able to successfully tell myself “NO” and not
went ahead and did it anyway. I don’t think I can physically do it. I
don’t know if therapy can help that. So far the Steps haven’t done it.
My name is Tina, I share too much information, and I hope that my case of dumb-ass won’t be fatal.