Tuesday, September 20, 2011

"I want it all and now so I can just move on with my life.”

"I want it all and now so I can just move on with my life.”

This sentence came out of my mouth a few days ago.  It’s been in my head for awhile, but finally made its way to the surface and erupted in a rant about relationships.  Rant is probably too strong of word, but it sounded less pathetic than a woe-is-me whine-fest.
Here are some conclusions I have come to:
While I have always supported people who choose to go to therapy (esp. since I have a degree in it), I have never had good luck with therapists and therefore choose not to go.  I had one therapist who spent and hour telling me that it’s not acceptable for a man to hit a woman, and then that night, when I was reading the paper, saw he had been arrested the week prior for domestic assault.  Needless to say, that therapeutic relationship ended abruptly.  Then there was the one that thought positive thinking is the answer to life’s woes.  Granted, positive thinking is HUGE, but I can’t positively think my way out of things that have happened in the past that spring up from time to time.  He eventually told me I was being too difficult and didn’t see a point in continuing therapy.  Again, thanks, but I’m out of here.  Oh, and let’s not forget the woman who was weird, but tolerable, who left 5 messages for me one night on my phone and then abruptly was “no longer employed here” when I tried to return her call the next day.
My inherent problem with the therapists & psychiatrists I have dealt with is that their tendency to hide behind their degree.  I’m not an idiot.  Reverse psychology doesn’t work on me.  I also have extensive drug knowledge (some book knowledge, lots of personal experience) and therefore won’t automatically buy into what they’re selling as the magic cure.  I honestly don’t pretend I know more than them, I just want them to realize that they’re dealing with someone who may be a little more advanced than the general client and therefore will be annoyed at any attempts to dumb things down for me.  Sometimes I wonder if that falls under “terminal uniqueness”, but I really don’t think it does.
So…back to the relationship and what the hell that has to do with the therapist thing.  I think I need help and so far no one in the program has been able to provide it.  I don’t know if I’m just resisting, or if it’s actually just time to call in a pro.  Therapist shopping is about as appealing as bra shopping when you are well-endowed.  Rarely does the first one fit right and even when you DO find a tolerable one, it’s still going to rub you the wrong way at some point.  If you, dear reader, are of the athletic male persuasion, will just have to take my word for it. 

I realized (when I said it out loud) that I had been looking for a man to plug into my life all comfy/cozy like.  I didn’t want the awkwardness of meeting, dating, and learning about each other and seeing if it would lead anywhere.  I just wanted someone who would finally show me what it feel like to be loved (or at least why I think it’s supposed to feel like) and who would treat my daughters and I well.  I wasn’t looking for perfection, just the right puzzle piece to fit in the empty spot.  I think that’s supposed to sound messed up to normal people.  I think most people find the getting to know someone process exciting.  Again, more proof that I am neither “normal” or “most”.
I had a date last Friday night.  He and I had been talking for about a week, his background check came out clean, and he seemed funny and nice enough.  Long story short, I invited him over (not smart, I know), things got physical (consensual at first), he roughed me up (got the fricken bruises to show for it), and I have been kicking myself ever since.  The light bulb finally came on (only took 3 failed attempts at dating), and I now see what the problem is…
This appears to be my dating S.O.P.:
1) Meet guy online.
2) Spend days and nights texting and talking. Start to think he’s pretty cool…maybe HE’S the one I’ve been waiting for.
3) Run a thorough background check (I do them for potential employees, why not for potential dates?”
4) Find him interesting and think we could turn into something.
5) Communication turns flirty and then morphs into talks about what we each like and don’t like in the bedroom. These conversations may or may no be filled with embellishment of one’s own abilities.
6) I end up in his bed or he ends up in mine.
7) I realize how annoying this man really is and just want to escape or have him sneak away without thinking horrible things about me. I tear myself to shreds because “I’ll never learn” and “I guess I haven’t really changed since my using days” and leads to “This is not the example I want to lead for my daughters” and eventually gets to “I’m a whore and unlovable. I desperately want you to love me, but in order to do that, I have to sleep with you. Once I sleep with you, all emotion and hopes for a real relationship flies out the door.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
Friday night, my gut said, “don’t do it”, my head said, “It’ll be fine. He seems nice. You’ve been good, you deserve this,” and my body said, “Seriously, it’s been months since you’ve been laid. LET’S GO ALREADY!!” I’ve never been able to successfully tell myself “NO” and not went ahead and did it anyway. I don’t think I can physically do it. I don’t know if therapy can help that. So far the Steps haven’t done it.

My name is Tina, I share too much information, and I hope that my case of dumb-ass won’t be fatal.